It's tough to publish posts like this.
Difficult to admit that I am struggling.
Reading blogs about women in this situation, it dawned on me: everyone thinks they are going to be in the 10%. But the reality is that 9/10 people walk away from this with empty arms.
Knowing it is the same God that gives and takes, I am having a hard time staying positive. I find myself identifying often with Jacob, who refused to let go until God blessed him.
I incorrectly assumed that since it has already been one of the worst years of our life, we were getting to the end of our trials when we had a positive pregnancy test.
Oh, how wrong I was.
This post from Molly Piper explains exactly how I am feeling right now:
http://mollypiper.com/2010/04/i-hope-who-me/
I want so badly to believe in God's goodness in all of this, but so far all I have gotten is calamity.
~the never ending sickness this year
~being in the 5% that overstimmed.
~We paid for two cycles up front in case we did not get pregnant the first cycle. If we did not get pregnant after those two, we would get close to $13,000 back. Banking on being in the 98% of people that go on to a live birth when normal fetal growth is seen at 8 weeks, we overpaid $9,000 for one cycle. This was definitely always our worst case scenario.
~The hopes and dreams of having a little girl, then finding out I might only have minutes with her. I have dreamed of this relationship for so long. I don't want it to seem like we value a girl's life more than a boy's, because we don't. But dealing with the potential loss of two dreams, this baby and also my dream of having a girl, has made it more difficult.
~Thinking of sitting in the hospital away from my boys all summer without knowing the outcome.
~My brother and his wife also having a girl, and knowing that I will forever be reminded of exactly what we are missing.
I am in a bad place right now, so any prayers you would offer up for that would be appreciated.
It is also difficult not to feel like a burden. My mom has graciously come every day to help run up and down the stairs chasing after the boys. She never complains, but I feel guilty monopolizing so much of her time.
Josh came home Wednesday, informing me that our insurance is changing. Staring at an extended hospital stay and hopefully the NICU for Tessa, it is entirely possible that we will have to pay $4,000 that we did not plan for on September 1st. I am in no way trying to get political about the new healthcare laws. It just stinks, considering how much we pay every month already and how much we have put out of our own pocket for medical care this last year, that we owe more.
Kayden goes in for an esophageal study on Monday, so please pray that all turns out well with that. I would love to think that since we are already knee deep in one trial, we would be precluded from others....but we all know it doesn't work that way.
More than anything, I am ready for the favor and the blessing of God and starting to wonder when we will be on the "blessing" end again.
Sorry for the downer post. I wish I could tell you I was cheery and upbeat all the time, but right now it's hard not to feel dumped on.
6 comments:
Oh Jamie . . . I can SO relate with this post. 2 years ago I was in a very similar boat (as you well know). And then, just after we suffered the loss of our twins on our last IVF cycle, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to face surgery and chemo!
You know how the saying goes, when it rains it pours.
I know all too well what it's like to "walk through the valley" . . . I was there for a very long time. I felt forsaken by God - as though he had turned his face and favor away from me. I was bitter, angry, frustrated, sarcastic - and downright depressed.
All that said . . . I haven't stayed in the valley. Over time - with God's help, and the prayers of many - I've been able to crawl out of that dark pit and have begun to experience and be more aware of his blessing and provision in my life.
I know you are experiencing the deep darkness of the valley . . . but cling to the hope that you won't be there forever. Regardless of what happens with sweet little Tessa, the Lord WILL see you through the valley. I know how hard it is to cling to the hope that seems so thin right now . . . but trust and faith both involve clinging to something that you cannot see and being sure of the hope you have in Christ . . . it involves trusting that what he has planned is going to further his kingdom, his work, his purposes . . . even when we don't understand how.
I STILL don't understand why God saw fit to lead us through the process of IVF . . . to give us so many clear signs that it was the "right thing" to do . . . to provide just the right amount of money . . . to allow us to become pregnant with two babies . . . and to take both of them. The bitterness and anger and frustration I have is still very easily brought to the surface when I think about it. There are still moments that I need to surrender that pain back over to him. However, my comfort has come in trusting that he knows best, and that things had to be this way for his glory.
My heart aches with yours as you walk through this valley. But cling - even if by a string - to the hope you have in Christ. Remember his faithfulness to you in the past and cling to that.
He is growing you . . . and growing pains hurt - a LOT! . . . He is going to use you and Tessa and Josh and the boys - all of this - to touch the lives of many . . . he already IS using this. Just think of the many people drawing near to Him on your behalf . . .
Hang in there. Don't feel guilty about feeling the way you do. What you're feeling is raw and real . . . and the bottom line is that this whole situation just sucks . . . there's no way to sugar coat it or make it bearable. Journaling and blogging about it are good ways to get those feelings out . . . keep doing those things.
Don't feel guilty about accepting help from others. There will come a day where you can be on the other side of that service . . . for now, just see it as God loving on you through his faithful servants.
Know that you are loved . . . that hundreds of people are praying for you.
I'm here if you need to chat, or cry, or just "be" with someone who understands just a bit of what you're going through.
I have a bunch of 3X5 cards that I've been working on for you . . . I'll send them to school with Faith on Monday, but I'll leave one with you today:
"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation (wholeness) comes from him. . . Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope (expectation) comes from him. . . My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge. Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him for God is our refuge." Psalm 62: 1, 5, 7 & 8
Praying Jamie-for you, Josh, your boys, and for little Tessa. God is holding you in His hands.
Isaiah 41:10&13
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am Your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...
For I AM the LORD Your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you do not fear; I will help you."
www.youtube.com/watch?v=64uVGQ7Ecj&freature=related
Praying for You, Josh, your boys, and Baby Tessa as you walk this road. Praying for a miracle knowing that Our God is able!!!
Blessings
Dillene Van Beek
I saw a link to your blog on Jennie Hurst'f facebook page, and just wanted to tell you that you & your family will be in my prayers. Hoping your precious baby will defy the odds.
I have to remind you once again that as your mother and someone that LOVES, You, Josh, Kayden, Bryce and Tessa you are not and will never be a burden. We are all doing this for the same goal! I was reminded again in church this morning that God can move mountians, and I believe in this miracle! Love ya tons Mom
Dear sweet Jamie, I heard a story last year that went like this... The mountain tops are amaizing, you can see clearly all around you, what is in front and what is behind, they take your breath away and you feel like you are on top of the world, BUT not much growth happens on the mountain tops, they are sparse. The real growth happens in the valley. It is lush with growth of verying degrees. It's harder to see what is in front of you but it too is beautiful. You can not stay in either place too long or you will become stagnant, it is only when we travel our road that we can appreciate the highths and depths of where we have been.
Praying for you as you travel this valley that you may soon see the top of the mountain again.
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