Saturday, September 1, 2007

Some of my Infertility Pet Peeves

I am also going to just put this out there for the good of anyone trying to conceive. You see, I committed some of these offenses before we struggled to have another child. The best thing is to tread lightly, and just say that you hope it happens really soon.

1. My first "peeve" if you will, is when people say, "It is all in God's plan." I know full well that they are just trying to be nice and they honestly can think of nothing else to say, but this could be the wrong choice. It made me feel like I did not want God's best for my life because I was longing for a baby. If you received the horrible news that you were cancer ridden, would you not use all the technology and scientific advances possible to help? Or would you just resign that God obviously gave you cancer, so you might as well roll over and die.

I KNOW God has a plan, and whether I get pregnant or not ultimately does reside with Him. But, for closure's sake, I have to at leaset try everythign I can to have a baby.

There was no day harder for me than Easter. I remember the morning well. I cried all morning getting ready for church, barely getting my makeup finished before we headed out the door. We were late, as usual, and I sat in the back along the wall on the pew normally reserved for mother's with small children. What was I thinking? The most beautiful little girl was sitting next to me, cooing and laughing and in a jovial mood.

The message was about new life and God's provision for our lives, and all I felt was sad and desperate. We had been trying at that point for about a year, and each month had ended the same way it began. With all the hope in the world that this had to be the month. Ending with tears of hopelessness and a resolve to try again.

I went home broken hearted.

2.I hated it when people gave me sexual advice. Sex really does become a thing of duty if you have been TTC (trying to conceive) long. I would work until three or four in the morning, and before I went to bed remember that I had to pee on a ovulation stick that told me "Today is the Day" with a happy, smiley face (who makes those things by the way, and why a smiley face?)

I would trudge into the bedroom, wake up the hubby and DTD (do the deed). Harsh sounding? I know. Sex on demand will do that to you. Before rolling over for bed, I would shove pillows so high under my hips that my legs were practically touching my nose.

So, when someone would say, "Well, are you guys doing it with the guy on top because I have heard that really helps", or "My husband and I did it on day 14, and that was all it took for us". Trust me, after a year of trying, every base has been covered with that.

3.Along these lines, it generally isn't the best time to tell me, "Man, I do not know how that even feels! All my husband had to do was sneeze and we got pregnant." Really? Oh, how nice for you. I all the sudden feel better.

4. "Quit worrying about it and it will happen." I have heard so many stories about people that go for adoption and all the sudden find out they are pregnant because they stopped thinking about it. I am not sure if infertility is caused by stress, but I am certain that it causes it. How can you not worry and stress about it? I think this one made me the maddest because it implied I was doing something that could be controlled that was preventing me from pregnancy. Once we found out what our infertility problem was, it had nothing to do with my stress level. My cervical mucas killed my husband's sperm. No carefree thought in the world would change that.

5.You are sitting in a room full of colleagues. One woman starts smiling and spills the news- she is pregannt. All heads in the room, knowing that you are TTC, immediately whip looking for a reaction. You give an uncomfortable smile and look to the table in front of you. Squirm a bit in your chair until the next topic comes along. I am guessing they expect an emotional breakdown, a fit of tears; something, anything. Annoying, none the less.

6.At least in that instance they tell you. So many people, even good friends of mine, would not share their news with me. I am not sure if they thought it would be better to find out from someone else, or if it was too tough to tell me. I had one friend that came to me right away and said, "I just wanted you to know that we are pregnant so you do not hear it from anyone else". I had so much respect for her that she had the nerve to share it with me. It took guts, but I appreciated that she came straight to me instead of wimping out with it. I was happy for her, and glad she shared it in private so I could process it on my own terms.

As an aside:Sometimes, the news get me more than others. The day I found out my sister in law, who said she was finished having kids, was pregnant....that was a hard one. Another friend had a one night stand and got pregnant. She ended up having an abortion. That was a hard one, too. Here we were, great parents, longing for a child and God blessed her instead. Why God? Why give someone a child who is going to discard of it when we want one so badly?

7.We lived in Redlands for about six years, and moved to Michigan. After about two years had passed, we went back to visit this summer. If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me, "So, when are you guys going to have a baby?" my fertility treatments would be paid for. Do people not realize this is private? I am a horrible liar, so I continually mumbled something about not being ready.

So, there are my pet peeves. Oh, and one more. Why is it when you are tyring for a baby...EVERYONE around you is pregnant? Is there a reason for that?