Friday, September 24, 2010

Tonight, I am just sad

There really is nothing more to say.

It is late, the house is quiet.

The uncertainty of what lies ahead is crushing, overwhelming, and frightening.

The thought of it not working is pressing on all sides tonight.

And I am sad.

Friday, September 17, 2010

God's providence

Throughout this journey, one of the things I really struggle with is whether or not we are messing with destiny.

I struggled with it last time around, and wonder if I always will.

Are we forcing God's hand? If God wanted us to have another baby, couldn't He readily do it without IVF?

Ultimately, I fall on the side of modern technology. If something was wrong with my kidney, I would use any means possible to get well. God still is the ultimate decider of whether we will get pregnant or not.

Lately, I have been really praying for peace with this, and I wanted to share a few ways that I believe God is leading us and helping us.

The price for the shared risk plan initially was $25,000. From the time we met with the doctor to the time we signed the contract, it was lowered $7,000.

Our insurance company told me they would cover half of the sonohysterogram, which was $695. I got the bill and our portion was $145.

I was put on prescription multi-vitamins, which would be around $65 a month. Meijers told me they had a very similar substitute for free.

My car was broken, and I was given an estimate of $4500 to fix it, It ended up being around $700.

The dentist decided to charge me insurance only for my two cavities I need filled because I helped her with some business stuff. It would have cost me around $300.

All these things are not coincidence. Whether God allows us to become pregnant or not hangs on my shoulders like a cloak of uncertainty, but I am thankful right now for God's providence.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Why is it hard to be around other pregnant people

Sometimes I am asked why it is so hard to have friends that are pregnant. It seems like the two should not be connected.

I am thrilled for the pregnant person. It is just a constant reminder of what I am missing.

The excitement in sharing the news and having people share in the joy.

Dreaming of whether it is a boy or a girl.

Hearing that wonderful whish-whish sound of a heartbeat. There is nothing better.

Thinking up names, and picturing whether the baby will have daddy's eyes or mommy's nose.

Feeling those flutters in your belly for the first time.

Getting to eat pretty much whatever you want, and having a great excuse for gaining weight.

Believe it or not, maternity clothes. I usually am of them by the end...but in the beginning, when you first have to switch to maternity shirts because of a protruding belly, it is so wonderful.

The excitement of preparing- the nursery, washing clothes, buying new burp cloths or a new stroller.

Knowing that soon you will have this amazing new being in your life, that you wondered how you ever lived without.

All these magical moments that I long for, can almost taste...and cannot experience. For the most part, I try to put it in the back of my mind and forget about it. But when I hear the good news of someone's impending birth, or see a beautiful pregnant belly, it is hard not to ache with longing.

It is much easier to hide, to be honest. To avoid at all costs, for self-preservation.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Bills, Bills, Bills

Sonohysterogram: $695
Sperm Analysis: $55

Thank GOD I have insurance. My portion is $148 and $16.50.

I am thankful, and I will take it!

Facebook is not my friend

I hate Facebook.

I really need to just stay off there. It seems like it has become the posting ground for every last person to announce their pregnancy or baby's gender.

Tonight, I am just sick of it all.