Bummed

I did not think I would post anymore, but I am just so down and out tonight, I need a place to vent.

I picked up another round of birth control today. For some reason, it feels like I am taking two steps back when I start a fresh pack. I know it is necessary to manipulate the timing of the frozen transfer in January (if I have anything frozen), but is seems so counterproductive.

I think part of my frustration tonight is because I have yet to receive my "freeze" results. I am still wondering if I just went through 10 days of hell for nothing.

My friend Michelle got me this wonderful daily devotional called Streams in the Desert, and I have really enjoyed reading it daily. The lesson from yesterday was about how a vineyard owner pointed out that he only stops trimming vines when they have stopped producing fruit. Otherwise, he continues to prune them back so that they continue to grow, in the same way God does in our lives.

Man, I am sick of being pruned.

Almost a year has passed on this journey towards pregnancy, and I feel my soul slowly giving up hope. So tired financially, physically, and most of all emotionally. I have huge bruises on my arms from the IV last Sunday and everything still aches from producing so many eggs. I got another bill in the mail for that visit. I am just sick and tired of paying medical bills. I feel weary.

I have been so touched, though, by how caring people are. I guess the outpouring of love does not exist without the pain, so I would not know the support and love I currently feel without going through this dark valley. Michelle also gave me a hope and peace ornament for my tree, and even just thinking about them makes me cry. I am struggling for both tonight, to be honest.