Weary

My little guy is graduating from kindergarten next week.

Normally, I would be very weepy about the passing of another school year.

The end of preschool picture CD almost did me in, with Kayden and classmates wearing panda masks and singing "May the Lord Bless You" lined up at the door before pick up. I was updating baby books over Christmas and gasped aloud when I saw the picture of him leaving preschool the last day. He was so little.

I hated the thought of him being gone more hours during the week.

Kindergarten met only two and a half days. He was ill 15 times since November, many of them school days. Multiple more were missed between September and October (our family was hit with a parasite last fall. I am sure if you have been around me long enough, you have heard me moan and groan about camping so I will just leave it at that).

I had a ten day stretch in November when we harvested eggs. With the transfer in January and all the busyness surrounding IVF and subsequent doctor appointments, it did not feel like I was home that often without him.

His teacher is exceptional, and I saw him flourish both emotionally and academically this past year in spite of it all.

Part of me feels guilty that I am anxious for this year to be over, and do not feel an ounce of sadness to stash it away in the memory books.

They put together an adorable end of the year program, where each kid dresses up as a zoophonic animal and recites 4 rhyming lines.

Bubba Bear wanted some honey, Yancy the Yak joked about talking too much.

You get the idea.

Terribly cute.

Thursday was a rough day for me anyhow, and it was all I could do to get ready and out the door in time for the program.

After finding out that Kayden was missing his trusty Kayo Kangaroo partner, I wondered how he would do flying solo:






So proud of that kid.

The slideshow at the end was the culmination of the year. All of the various activities they participated in flashed across the screen. I was sure that would finally do me in and start the tears flowing.

Mothers Day, making zoophonics animals, Pumpkin math, field trips were all represented. So many times through the video, I thought "Oh, Kayden missed that day because he was sick." "Yet another day missed because of illness".

I was downright foul, and feeling good and sorry for myself at how difficult this past year has been between illness, my deep longing for another baby, the horrendous IVF retrieval, and now the current situation we are in.

Wondering if there will ever be pure joy back in our household, and just a month or two where our lives aren't centered around calamity.

For all of you who think I am a really sweet person, you might want to turn away now.

Sitting a few rows in front of us was a brand new baby. Could not have been more than a month old.

And she was fussy.

The proud mother in me understands why she did not want to leave to take the baby in the back and miss the slideshow. The entire year is encompassed in those pictures. It's what we love as parents- picture of our kids interacting in their environment. Memories of those special events unfolding with the years' progression.

As the baby got fussier and fussier, louder and louder, I could feel my teeth starting to grind.

Just take that baby out already, would you? I thought to myself.

Each position change made the baby more upset, and eventually the little newborn face was squeaking right at me.

For crying out loud, I cannot even hear the music, I seethed. How's a person to enjoy the show with that baby crying and sputtering all over the place?

This went on for a few more minutes, me internally bantering with the mother and willing her to exit so I would not stand up and scream at her like a crazy person.

I am sure did not even think twice about her newborn fussing. I wouldn't have, as there were many other kids just as noisy....Bryce being one of them.

Two years ago, I would have relished the noise and been thankful to listen in on those sweet baby sounds.

Thursday night, it almost put me over the edge.

One more reason I find it so much easier to stay in lately.

Josh and I left before cake, because I again was having cramping.

I feel sad that so much has been missed this last year. I wish April 19th was the start of this downward spiral. The last leg has definitely been the roughest, but I often wonder if I would have more fight in me had this been the only stressful event from this past year.

Kayden's teacher sent me this last week through e-mail, and it was a good reminder that someday, eventually, I will not be so incredibly weary.

Isaiah 40:31 (New International Version)
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.