Angel Bear

I realize other details are probably more pressing. Then again, I already told you logic is not my friend these days.

I spent two hours last night googling angel bears for Kayden and Bryce.

Nothing quite fits. Either the bear was beanie baby size (and much too small for loving) or it wasn't squishy enough. Some were pink or blue. Not much help when you aren't certain of gender. None were fuzzy and worn looking like I desired.

I called in reinforcements (aka Grandma and Uncle Nate) and decided to head to Rivertown Build-a-Bear.

Walking through JC Penny, it's strange feeling so normal when your world is falling apart. I was hoping and praying I did not see anyone I know. I can hold it together pretty well when dealing with strangers. Once I start talking about it, all pretenses fade.

My eyes darted back and forth as we passed by each store.

My brother headed to the play area with Bryce as I popped into Build a Bear. I was looking through the various stuffable animals when one of the sales clerks asked if she could help with anything.

"I am looking for angel wings," I replied.

She led me to the accessories wall, where she opened the package to model them on the bear. I can't say they are my first choice, but they were soft and trimmed with white marabou so they look pretty heavenly.

Since they were seasonal, she informed me not to wait on a purchase because there were only a few left in stock.

"What are these for?" asked the sales clerk casually.

I froze, as I was completely unprepared on how to answer.

I could feel my throat tightening, so I asked my mom to tell her why.

"She just found out that the baby she is carrying is most likely not going to live. She wants to give the bears at the funeral as a gift from the baby," my mom replied.

Have I ever told you my mom is my hero?

I couldn't even look her in the eye, but my mom said the cashier choked up and couldn't speak. I am sure it was quite the site- all three of us at the checkout counter crying over two pair of pink angel wings.

Sometimes I think it is harder because we know what's coming. Then again not having time to plan our wants and desires wouldn't be ideal, either.

I guess there is no easy way to prepare for the death of a child, even one you have not yet met.

Please pray for us as we hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

My good friend, Cara, sent me this much needed verse today: Psalm 121 "I lift my eye up to the mountains. Where does my help come from? My help comes from you, Maker of heaven, creator of the earth."