Not Good.

Did I ever tell you I gained over 50 pounds with Bryce?

I have decent sized babies (and by "decent", I mean 9 lbs. plus) and gain my fair share of weight while pregnant.

When I stepped on the scale today and had lost two pounds, it was the first time in history that I was disappointed. I knew instinctively there would not be more fluid.

Thankful that we were alone in the waiting room, we got into the ultrasound room fairly quickly. I am grateful this doctor is willing to see us after hours so I do not have to watch the pregnant parade every week. The wall of babies and birth announcements is hard enough.

The news is not good.

Our "odds" went from 10% to less than 1%.

I am broken.

Neither the bedrest or drinking water improved the fluid levels.

Dr. B is fairly certain the problem lies with the placenta. We are doing CVS in two weeks to rule out chromosomal abnormalities, but all signs currently point to placental insufficiency.

If there is any good news, my bloodwork and the baby look great. The doctor was very concerned that I potentially had a blood clotting disorder. It can be life threatening and very serious; we are thankful that was ruled out.

So, where do we go from here...

It's pretty much a waiting game from here on out. We went through the various possibilities today, and Josh and I decided to wait it out and see if we even make it to 24-25 weeks. At that time, we have the option of being hospitalized and trying aggressively to give this baby a {less than} 1% shot of survival. Without fluid, the lungs most likely will not develop and the baby will pass within an hour or two.

I told the doctor that Josh and I are believers, and I just can't count myself out from a miracle just yet.

A good friend of ours lost her baby to anecephaly a few years ago, and I finally got in touch with her this past week. I asked her for advice. Although there were many treasures, two that stuck with me:

1. Enjoy this baby while we have it. For me, it is so difficult not to want to rush to the end. I keep envisioning this poor smooshed baby in a teeny, tiny coffin and it haunts me.

Taking each day, and savoring the kicks and hiccups do not come natural to me. Patience is a virtue, just not one I possess. Come what may, I want to know.

2. Never dwell on tomorrow. The hardest part of suffering is looking forward to it.

Josh and I are setting up a time in the next week to meet with funeral homes and decide what details we want to have in place. Dr. B gave us a 50-50 chance that we would miscarry before 24 weeks, so we want to be ready in the event that happens.

Thank you so much for your prayers. We obviously wish we had better news.

Thank you for the meals. I wish I could say I have it all together. Unfortunately for Josh and the kids, I am a total scatterbrain. I could walk around for an hour and not accomplish one thing. Not having to worry about feeding these boys has been a blessing.

I appreciate all the letters and e-mails. I have a file named "New Baby" in my e-mail, and I look through them often when I am down or need extra encouragement.

Please continue to pray for a miracle.