Habit

I don't know about you, but I am a creature of habit.

Like the time Josh and I tried to sit on the opposite side of church, near the front...not good. I could not even focus on the sermon because I felt so uncomfortable with my new surroundings.

I have always slept on the right side of the bed, against the wall. My reasoning was that if someone were to break in, they would have to content with Josh first. In the meantime, I would run and grab the kids, shimmy down the lattice, run towards the tramp, and jump over the neighbor's fence.

Sometimes I have too much time on my hands while waiting for slumber.

Where was I?

During pregnancy, the only way I could lay comfortably on my stomach was on the left side of the bed. I would prop my body up with one knee on the edge, tipping on my side to stay clear of my big belly.

Tessa would kick and squirm. It was one of the times she was most active.

Last night, Josh and I were talking about events of the day and he started rubbing my back. For whatever reason, I happened to again be on the left side of the bed.

I had the most overwhelming sense of deja vu.

Emotions I haven't grazed on in a while were festering.

Night after night, I would lay there and cry myself to sleep as Josh rubbed my back.

Sometimes it would take an hour, sometimes it would take ten minutes.

But he never complained. Never rushed me through it. Never discounted it because he had heard it ten times before and it was 2:30 in the morning on a work night.

So many times, my memory is triggered back to the specific moment of my deepest sorrow. It happens at the strangest of times, and brings with it tears of joy.

Leaving the hospital tonight, I started humming a familiar tune:


Through many dangers, toils, and snares
I have already come
Twas grace that brought me safe thus far
and grace will lead me home.

I know this song is about leading us to heaven, but I couldn't help but smile when I heard it tonight.

For a whole lot of weeks, Tessa was in a holding pattern. It seemed we were going in circles.

We are finally feeling the forward progression towards her coming home in the next two weeks.

She had an MRI done tonight to double check her brain development.
She needs to pass the car seat test.
I started muddling through the education checklist yesterday with our nurse.
Tessa is enrolled a study- whether kids do better in the private rooms or pods. The final survey was dropped off.
Breastmilk stored in deep freeze is headed to the donation bank.

And can I just say:

We are so blessed by this community! My kids think every day in Christmas, now that we finally have groceries and meals. I have been thrilled to hear, "Mom, there are individually wrapped Oreos!", "I love these Cheese Its", "String Cheese! This is awesome!", "This lasagna is so yummy!"

Although they would never admit it, I think they were sick of McDonalds, too.

Thank you sounds so feeble and not near strong enough for what I want to convey; but thank you again for helping us through.