What I am Learning

So, I promised to share what God taught me seven days ago.

When Tessa was diagnosed with NEC, the very first course of treatment is to withhold feedings and rest her bowel.

An IV was started with sugar water, so she would not dehydrate or drop her glucose levels.

This really does nothing for the hunger. She had been up to full feedings, and now she was back to not eating at all.

For the first few hours, her hunger could be suppressed through use of her pacifier.

My mom and I would take turns standing by her isolette, holding that orange plastic substitute in her mouth.

As time wore on, that no longer did it for her.

Her stomach hurt.

She wanted to eat.

Watching her root for food was pitiful, and there was nothing we could do to comfort her.

Hour after hour, my mom and I alternated with the paci.

Only during the second full day of not eating did we wise up and take her out to hold her.

It helped for a while.

But every few minutes, her little chin would start quivering and she would cry out in hunger.

It killed me.

I literally wept over her, because I felt so sorry for her.

It took everything in me not to feed her.

I wanted to so badly, but I knew it was for her own good.

Lifesaving, even.

I don't like pain.

I tend to shy away from it at all costs.

I have not considered it pure joy to go through the struggles as of late.

For whatever reason, God has chosen to make us go through this.

I can't say that I have understood it, or been happy with the suffering.

But this was a good reminder that God is a loving God, and a provisional parent. I am sure Tessa (even if she had the mental capabilities) would not have thought I was withholding food for her own good, because she couldn't see the big picture like I can.

He works all things together for my own good, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.
I am promised that He will take me through it, and see that I come out better on the other side.

I am resting in that promise tonight.