No plans

I didn't set out to be in investment banking.

You know how one thing happens, and it leads to another, and you wake up one day wondering how you got there without ever making the decision in the first place?

Right out of high school, I was looking for a job that would pay more than minimum wage. A friend worked for an investment banker, and his partner was looking for a second assistant.

Seeing people take horse and carriage tours during my lunch break, concert goers heading to the Van Andel, BMX riders practicing tricks at Rosa Parks Circle- there is a certain heartbeat in the city and I loved working downtown. The job fit well with my college schedule, and I became fast friends with my co-worker.

Two years went by in a blink.

Searching for work when I arrived in Redlands, the temp agency naturally wanted to plug me into the same line of work.

This investment banking office was different, though.

Pressure built for me to take the Series 7 exam and become certified in stocks, bonds, and mutual funds. Gone were the days of rolling into work at 10 am. My work day started at 7 am sharp. If there was work, I had to stay until it was finished. Most days I did not enter the congested Highway 15 traffic until well after 5pm. I usually arrived home around 6.

Days off were spent going to the dentist, the D.M.V., doctor's visits. I felt like I could never catch up and rarely had time to do anything fun.

My second summer, with Josh heading to the beach or pool each day, I started feeling gray. My parents would come to visit and most of my time was spent at work. The never ending hum of office machines coupled with the beige walls and gray carpet gave me a perpetual feeling of discontent. Loathing the up and down ticks representing stocks day in and day out, my creativity was waning.

I loved the people I worked with, but hated the job.

Josh came to visit one afternoon (all tan and rested, mind you). As we ate lunch together in an adjoining office overlooking a busy street below, I could barely bring myself back to work.

"Why don't you quit?" he asked.

Being a classic A-type personality, the thought of quitting without a new job on deck terrified me.

But it is exactly what I did. Went back to work that day and gave my two weeks notice.

Not knowing where I was going with my life was terrifying. Used to plans and charts and organization, days without structure were liberating yet fear-filled.

How we were going to pay our bills became my greatest worry. Without my second income, money became really tight.

A dream had always been to study acting seriously. The following years were spent hunkering down with other actors at a little theater near Universal Studios. From time to time, I see them on TV and recall funny stories from our days rehearsing at the coffee shop near school.

Somehow, someway....God provided just what we needed. Even though we had $5 in our bank account a lot of the days, we never went without.

Thing is, throwing caution to the wind is not in my nature.

The not knowing is stressful for this A-type.

I can honestly say that my time in Hollywood represents one of the last times I was completely without a plan; with zero direction on the horizon.

Until Now.

Being in the situation we are in with Tessa, I can't create a plan.

I can't prepare myself for what is on the horizon.

No one knows.

There isn't a single test that can tell whether her lungs will work or not. Spending the entire summer, day in and out, wondering about that one thing....

It's terrifying.

My boys love to run through the glass revolving doors near the front of the hospital. As I was sitting there in my wheel chair enjoying their laughter, another mom was leaving with her baby and balloons and mementos.

It dawned on me.

I will not leave here with a baby.

The throat lump comes when I image myself having to leave here and go home to plan a funeral for this sweet little girl instead of the NICU calling me back. If I don't catch and stop myself, I can roll right along to all the horrible things surrounding her not making it.

Daily, I am working hard not to get ahead of myself. Struggling not to anticipate the suffering.

Tessa had a surprise ultrasound yesterday morning.

The placenta is still functioning like it should and her brain development is right on track. She seems to still be hugging the 35% mark for growth.

The fluid was a bit of a bummer, though. She only had a 1 by 1.6 pocket of fluid, most likely due to all the bleeding. It was very disappointing.

So, that is where we are at right now. Trying to figure out what life looks like when tomorrow is hazy. No plans, no direction...just hope that God will heal her.