Burnt Toast, Burp Cloths, and Bedtimes

Early one Sunday morning, I was watching a television evangelist. I don't normally tune in, but I guess when one misses church for seven weeks straight, a little desperation is allowed.

The pastor was talking about how he had the flu and hadn't eaten. On the third day, he finally felt better and decided to make toast with a little butter. His toaster malfunctioned, and the corners were burned. He still decided to eat it. Since he was so famished, he relayed that it was the best stinking toast he ever had.

He asked how hungry we are for God-because if you are really hungry, even burnt toast tastes good. A different kind of longing for the Bible appears.

Going through this process with Tessa, I cannot even tell you how many times I heard "your faith is so strong".

I will be honest. I don't feel strong. I'm not strong.

There were so many times that I wanted to turn and run from God because I felt so abandoned. A few days before she was born, Josh and I were playing cribbage and at one point we stopped the game and I sobbed for almost an hour fearing the unknown.

But as much as I wanted to turn away from God, I needed the toast.

Even after this HUGE miracle we just experienced, trust and hope is still hard some times. The emotional toll it takes to leave her is so difficult. My heart about ripped out of my chest today when I had to hop in the van at discharge. Every day I get to spend with her is another level of attachment and fear still creeps.

I want to keep her.

Please pray for her NICU stay. Specifically:

-feeding issues: we have yet to have two consecutive feedings. Her belly does not want to digest food.

-breathing: that she continues to breath on her own without tiring.

-brain bleeds: she has her first head ultrasound on Tuesday. Please pray for zero blood on the brain.

-infections: that she would remain infection free. Babies this size do not have the immune system we do. As her mom, this is terrifying and I could become darn near neurotic trying to prevent germs.

-adjustment: I am having a horrible time leaving her. The balance of being here for my boys and wanting to be by her bed is a routine I am not used to yet. Bryce cried himself to sleep tonight because he thought mom would be home for the first time in weeks (we were up at the hospital).

We are so grateful that we get this chance at life with Tessa. She has lungs. We have hope. We are overjoyed spending time with her.

Thank you, as always, for storming the gates on our behalf and loving our sweet girl.