Not Fine

The question I struggle with lately is "How are you doing?"

I know it is a common thing to ask when greeting someone. It slips out so fast, mine comes automatic.

The problem is, I just don't feel like responding with fine.

I'm not.

I am searching for a way to praise the God that can heal this child, but is worthy even if He doesn't.

It doesn't fail me that this diagnosis came during Easter week. It has been an ever-present reminder that God understands this grief. He willingly offered His son, knowing beforehand how much pain he would go through to save the world. As I think of my own child suffering, I appreciate all the more the sacrifice.

Tonight we went for a bike ride with the boys. Kayden is an expert rider. Since his training wheels came off last summer, he is quite the dare devil. I watched horrified as he sped down the hill, only to slam on his breaks and wobble his bike side to side to see the tire marks.

Bryce, on the other hand, struggles to keep up. He would love nothing more than to follow and imitate the big brother he adores. But, training wheels are awkward to navigate with. His helmet doesn't quite fit and his feet bow out when he pedals. It is quite the sight.

Josh remarked tonight, "Watching Bryce on the bike is on of the rare times you have laughed today".

Coming out of the park entrance, the transition to sidewalk is a sharp turn. Bryce rounded the corner and fell onto the cement.

Stubborn like his mother, he wanted to walk his bike. No amount of coaxing could get him to try again. We had a long way yet to go, so we encouraged him to get back on.

He refused. That child walked a whole block with his training wheel slamming into his leg before he relented and again mounted the bike.

I promised him that I would catch him if he was going to fall again.

Right as we turned the final corner to our street, the bike started toppling. I reached for his shirt and lifted him as the bike fell at his feet.

He had to fall before he knew I could be trusted to carry him.

I am struggling with trust. I have the Christian answer of "God plans to prosper you and not to harm you", but I want it my way. I want a healthy baby. Heck, right now I would settle for alive. I don't want to trust that everything will work out for my good regardless. I want to know how the ending is written.

A lot of people have asked how they can help. Sending a note, e-mail message, or even leaving a comment is of great comfort. It is balm to my soul. Knowing that our story and this life has value and weight in this world; that people are touched through our suffering. Although I lack the energy to respond, I love simply reading a verse you thought of or that you have been praying.

Thank you, as always, for your prayers offered on our behalf.