BBB Dolls

This morning Kayden crawled in bed with me before school. It's a delicate balance when we talk to him about the baby. I want to be honest, but also not overwhelm him with information.

Most of what I hear is difficult for me to comprehend, I cannot imagine how my six year old is processing.

I started stroking his hair and asked him if he was sad that the baby is sick. "Yes, I am really sad, Mom," he replied. "Now there won't be a baby to look up to me."

I explained to him that we are doing our best to help the baby feel better, and praying for God to give us a miracle.

"Are you about done with bedrest? Has it been a week yet?" he asked

Although it has only been one full day, I know how he feels.

I am about to float away.

A gallon did not seem like a lot of water. I wish I had taken better notes in Math class. Josh, who was a far better student than I, figured that I need to drink at least 8, 16 oz. bottles. I am seriously sick of water.

A couple people asked if we knew the sex of the baby. Unfortunately, the doctor does not think we will be able to find out until it is born.

Last night, I was having a really tough time with not knowing.

Ever since we started looking into IVF, I dreamed of the day I would finally be pregnant and I could buy a Baby Be Blessed stuffed animal for this new baby. I particularly had my eye on this one:

Each doll has the name of the child and your favorite scripture stitched into the belly.

Since they are handmade, there is a long wait list. Last night I checked to see if I would be able to get one in time to have it for this baby. Even if we could find out and give the baby a name, they take 12-14 weeks to make.

I started crying, because I realized I probably don't even have that much time left.

I want the chance to name this baby, and know everything there is to know about it. Will it like applesauce like Bryce, or bananas like Kayden? Will we get to celebrate a first birthday? A walk down the aisle?

To shove a lifetime of memories into {at best} 2 hours just doesn't seem right.

If you are a Bible reader, I am sure at some point you have played Bible roulette. You know, let your Bible open to a page, close your eyes and point. Before you get all theological, I know. Being rational is not my strong suit these days.

Today I came across James 1:2: "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

I'll be completely honest, I am not there yet. I am not sure I will ever see this as pure joy.

As I lay here, day in and out, thank you again for the prayers and notes and e-mails. Having our community fill this home with so much love and support is something I don't feel worthy of.