Dr. Balaskas

When we lived in Redlands, we purchased a little white teacup poodle named Tia. To say I adored that dog was an understatement.

We did not yet have kids, so she was my world. Three 'Poochie Bags' lined the door, waiting for her to jump into one whenever I went somewhere.

Right around the time we got her, my grandpa died very quickly and completely unexpectedly.

The Godliest man I know, trips to Disney world with the Van's Clan Gang was the norm. We would all don our "If You're Not Dutch, You're Not Much" t-shirts (no offense:-), and spend the week as a family of 40 enjoying all that Disney has to offer. Childhood weekends were spent at the cottage on Hess Lake, relishing time spent with Grandpa and Grandma.

About six months after he died, I was grooming Tia on the kitchen counter. She started squirming around, and the scissors cut a deep slit in her belly.

I rushed her to the vet, crying the whole way there.

As I entered the sparse, smelly room, the veterinarian came in. He was a dead ringer for my grandpa. All the feelings of sadness at what I had lost came rushing back, and I was overwhelmed with a deep sense of loss that I would never see him again this side of heaven.

It was the first time in my life I can clearly remember longing for something that was not to be.

Yesterday, in the waiting room, as belly after big pregnant belly walked out of the exam room, I had the same deep sense of longing and loss.

The ultrasound technician took Josh and I back and started showing us our precious babe. "Here is the little hand, up by the face", or "those are the feet". She took measurement after measurement to see if they could detect what was happening to make my fluid disappear.

Dr. Balaskas then spent a lot of time going through various scenarios, and I am so thankful for a doctor willing to walk along side us.

They did not find anything wrong- the baby looks perfect. My prayer going in was that they would find kidneys and a bladder. I realize that is not logical, as it is the lack of fluid that will ultimately lead to the baby's death, but I wanted it to have kidneys. I wanted to be able to fight.

And fight we are. I am flat in bed, trying to drink at least a gallon of water a day. The Dr. does not think it will change the fluid levels, but it's something. I have to give the baby a fighting chance.

What is causing the lack of fluid? There is not a definite answer as of yet. Either I am slowly leaking fluid faster than it can be replaced, or the placenta is not functioning correctly. There also is a small possibility the baby has some abnormality that could not be seen on the ultrasound because it is so small.

The next few weeks should tell us more as the baby grows and we are able to do more testing. The prognosis still is "very, very grave", but I am praising God tonight for the gift of hope.

Must go. Kayden just brought me a big pink glass of water. Love that boy.

Prayer Requests- peace and guidance for Josh and I. As our baby is galloping into the shadow of death, that we will sense God's presence.

Fluid replacement- that the placenta would start making fluid

Baby- that nothing else is found wrong with the baby.

I am honored that so many of you shared your stories of infant loss with me, shared your tears, and been prayer warriors on our behalf.

One of my favorite sayings is from the father of a child that died from Trisomy 18. "God showed up, but not how I thought. He showed up through His people."