Exhausted

Sorry in advance that this post is kind of all over the place. I started this blog as a place to vent my feelings, good or bad. I intend to remain.

One of my biggest priorities today was trying to make it as normal as possible for my boys. This has already been a rough pregnancy, and I felt like I missed a lot during bedrest and the OCD I suffered in the beginning.

Yesterday as my boys watched hour after hour of Looney Tunes, I made an inner pact that there would be some fun today, even if I did not feel like it. After all, they do not understand the grief and absolute anguish of all this. I thank God for that.

My mom suggested getting out to watch airplanes. It was a beautiful, sunny day. After watching a few takeoff and landings, Kayden tagged me and wanted me to chase him. So I did. We both were laughing and I started tickling him and sitting on him. Bryce joined in the fun, being his silly self.

Then I started bawling, remembering the situation we are in.

I just can't stop crying. I cry when I take a shower. I cry when I watch the boys riding bikes. I cry when I eat. I cry opening the mail.

But mostly, I cry in bed.

Nights are so difficult for me. I cannot sleep. I am exhausted and lay down to rest, and spend hour after hour crying silently.

Last night when I was laying in bed, I inadvertently started rubbing my belly and the baby started wiggling around. I promised the baby that I will do everything possible to limit the amount of suffering they will have to endure once born. I told the baby that I loved it from the moment of conception, and every minute since.

When sleep finally does come, I don't want to wake up. Facing the reality of this situation every morning is reliving it over and over. I wake up having to remember that this is our life now.

I lay in bed and second guess everything.

How much will this baby have to suffer before it dies?

Am I dishonoring it by thinking all the time about it dying? About the funeral and what we want to have happen.

Did I do the wrong thing going through IVF, putting all of our eggs in one basket?

Will I ever get pregnant again? I feel like I have limited the options for our family because we spent so much money on this.

Will I be short changing the funeral of this baby because we spent our savings getting pregnant?

I spent 16 weeks praying for the baby to live. Is it wrong to now pray for it to pass peacefully in my womb?

One of the hardest things the other night in the hospital was the second doctor that came in. After the ultrasound tech, a doctor came in to go over the results. He said "I have to have a radiologist look at the images, but the baby looks great to me. The brain looks great, it is measuring exactly on target." He seemed miffed that I was even sent to the ER. I am not sure if that was a blessing or a curse, because we all took a huge sigh of relief.

When the next doctor came in to tell us the bad news, it was almost harder because we had that brief moment of "everything's alright- this is a huge mistake".

I also wanted to clarify the diagnosis. It is called anhydramnios. It is not that the baby has low amniotic fluid...it does not have amniotic fluid at all. The outcomes are very different. If the baby has at least some amniotic fluid, sometimes the baby can wiggle around until it creates a pocket for itself to breathe the fluid and build the lungs. Without it, the lungs will never develop and it will essentially struggle to breathe and then pass.

Today, I ask that you please pray for my mom. I sometimes wonder if it is harder on her, watching me go through it. You never want your kids to suffer. Not only is she dealing with the loss of her own dreams with this baby, she is dealing with all of my emotions, too. My dad is also struggling. All of this is so overwhelming, it is weighing heavily on my parents. I am very needy, as I do not want to be alone right now. My mom has stayed here the last few nights, waking up with me to be my sounding board in the middle of the night.

Please pray for Josh and I, as we navigate waters we never thought we would be through. Pray that our marriage gets closer through this, as we make the toughest decisions of our life. Pray for him to get sound sleep, as he has a job that takes a lot of energy.

Pray that our kids have some normalcy. They deserve to have a mom that is present.

Thank you for the prayers offered on our behalf. The messages have been so helpful to me. Feeling the community uplift us and have heavy hearts alongside us is very comforting.