I am sure, as time stretches on, life with Tessa won't always be measured in days and months.
As with my other kids, it will start being measured in years.
Rather, half years. My kids love a good celebration cake, even if it is only for a half birthday.
A few Sundays ago, we went to eat lunch at my mom's house. This has been a long standing tradition. I am pretty sure we started it the minute our feet landed in Michigan 6 years ago.
Never in my life do I laugh more than when I am circled around that table.
Until this year, that is.
Much of this year marked a deep sadness as we ate Sunday lunch. Many a tear was shed into my plate, as the future loomed ahead.
I wish I could say that I heeded Sarah's Smith advice to never look forward to suffering. Alas, my mind ruminated far too often and always settled on the sad side of future events.
One afternoon, my brother was teasing with my dad about something and he joked back, "I hope your baby gives you just as much trouble as you have always given me!"
They bantered back and forth for a few minutes about Justin's child. As time passed, I could feel the stinging hot tears well to the surface.
I could see my mom tapping my brother on the shoulder to quit this line of conversation.
The reality hit me so hard- how could I get to know my baby in a two hour time span? How could I fit an entire life into mere minutes?
So grieved was I, that I went into the bedroom for a good two hour cry.
Try as I might, I could not stop the tears of loss and sorrow. Life without her flashed before me- no pink Easter dress with a wiggly eight month old, a Christmas picture with a deep hole missing where she should be, struggling to hold Amber and Justin's baby with dirt from her grave fresh under my fingernails.
Being that it was the first time back to my mom's since Tessa's birth, that memory flooded back to me with overwhelming gratitude that God allowed her to live.
So many moments, this happens.
As I drive by Dutton Cemetery, I remember being in Mrs. Boomsma's room last spring, wondering if we would be putting pumpkins and cornstalks on her grave this fall.
Walking Bryce up to preschool, with her in the car.
Bringing my kids to Build A Bear to put the heartbeat sounds into a stuffed animal, and not needed the pink angel wings.
Watching her birth video tonight, and hearing those beautiful cries as she was lifted out of my womb.
As we celebrated Kayden's birth, and joking with Kayden that Tessa was singing Goo Goo Ga Ga for his special day.
After that day, I was grasping at anything and everything to remember her by. I wanted as much as I could to make her life tangible.
This past month, over and over as we created this keepsakes, I would thank God that these are momentos reminding me of joy-filled days of baby buns and hiccups.
A mug with her actual footprints on it from Your Keepsake Company (etsy).
The kids footprints on a 16 by 20 canvas.
Her actual fingerprint and birthstone on a necklace (from Mom4Life.com)
Various baby clothes that were knitted for her- by GrammyJan (etsy) and Kami's friend:-)
I am not sure if you can tell, but feel like my blogging time at 'I Still Have Hope' is coming to a close. This blog started as a private journal to detail my struggles with infertility and morphed into her entire life story. While I am so grateful to have this outlet, I feel like this blog is her story.
I won't go far:-)
Now that Tessa is home, I want to integrate her into the family blog at minimemom.blogspot.com, and start posting about the boys again, too.
I have a couple more thoughts that I want to wrap up, and something special planned for my final post.
Thank you, as always, for being on this journey. Loving us like you do, and coming along side our family during the deepest and darkest time of our life.
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