Tough Week

Probably one of the toughest weeks of my life.

This blog is all about this process, and this last week has literally toppled me. Terrified me.

For one week, I have had OCD.

And I hope to never have it again for the rest of my life.

One of the biggest contributors to OCD is a lack of seratonin, which is caused by the estrogen I am on. Each and every day when I take that blue pill (three times a day), I feel more and more crazy.

My particular facet of OCD is called scrupulosity.

All my life, I have known Jesus forgives all my sins...and then this week I started having crazy thoughts about Jesus dying for all my sins....except one. The thing about OCD is that you know you are crazy and irrational, but are powerless to stop it. I spent eight hours one night looking up what people thought about the unpardonable sin, and pouring over every last detail of my life, trying to figure out if I accidentally did it at some point.

Yesterday night, I came across a book about what OCD is and how it progresses.

I was looking at the "research" because it made me feel better (obsession) and lesson the anxiety I was feeling. I would feel good for a while. I would feel the anxiety come back, and just HAD to look up more opinions on it (compulsion), and then the cycle repeated itself which in turn took a stronger grip on my mind. The more cycles I submitted to, the worse it got.

Poor Josh. I have not even been functional for the last four days. I almost forgot my mom's birthday, I sent Kayden to school without shoes, I forgot to pay a few bills....it is truly awful. That is kind of why I have been silent on this blog and elsewhere. I have been so overwhelmed, begging Josh to bring me to Pine Rest :-)

God is good, and He loves me.

And now everyone thinks I am crazy.

Yikes.

I am not sure I could ever go through this again.

This lack of seratonin is no joke.

In IVF news, I am in the home stretch. Josh gave me my first Progesterone shot this morning. I am on Amoxicillon three times a day this week, along with the dreaded estrogen.