A realization

I realized something today. It's not pretty.

I have been afraid to ask God for a baby, because I feel like if He says No, I will have less reason to be mad since I never asked in the first place.

Sounds confusing, huh?

My reasoning is that the less I rely on God, the less bitter I will be if this doesn't work.

I know, I know, that I need to give this over.

It is just hard because I do not want bitterness to creep in like last time.