Short $4000

I need to let it go, but I just can't.

We went into this not wanting to pick up debt, we worked at it for over two years to save cash, and here we are--picking up debt.

It is so dissapointing and frustrating.

I know we will eventually be able to pay it off....it just never comes off as easy as it goes on the old CC.

And that is just if it works the first time. If not, we will have to pay for meds again- around $3000 for another cycle if we have to repeat in Janurary.

I know I need to take this one step at a time, but the money part is so hard for me.

Sign Your Life Away Here, Please

Finishing the mass amounts of paperwork this weekend. It is due by Tuesday.

Seriously....SO MUCH PAPERWORK.

I am not sure which had more- this or closing the loan to my home!

Dropping some cash

Picked up the two most expensive meds yesterday- Bravelle and Menopur. Each one cost me around $1123. My insurance covered half.

I added it up, and it will cost me around $500 a day in meds for ten days. That is just crazy to me.

The pharmacist actually though the computer added it wrong. He said, "Is that supposed to be $24.11?"

Nope, sir. I wish.

Oh, one thing I forgot

I also ordered meds tonight. Bravelle, Menopur, and hcg.

Crazy, crazy, crazy. This stuff is SO expensive.

The flutter of activity has made my Discover card sizzle the last few days.

Lupron Injection today

We have officially begun. Lupron in the butt today. It honestly did not even hurt. I have no idea what is going to happen when I have to start injecting myself, but for now....we are on the path.

Lupron, I was told, is a "temporary menopause". Meaning my body will not ovulate on it's own without hcG. The next two weeks seem so busy and overwhelming. I think I just need to focus on one day at a time.

We also went over what all is entailed with IVF. My main goal right now is to make it to transfer. Give this process a fighting chance.

Parasite Update: I also took a test today to make sure that is completely gone, so I should know Monday or Tuesday what the results are of that.

Up in the Air

Been planning this since February. I am a mix of emotions these days.

I cannot succeed without trying, but I am so scared to try. I wish so badly I knew the outcome of this before I attempted it.

Add on top of that the plaguing issue of whether or not I kicked this parasite out of my system, and it adds even more uncertainty.

Thing is, if I get pregnant- will I have to treat giardia? What if the meds used for it are harmful for the baby? What if I do not get pregnant because of it?

I am supposed to go Thursday for my first Lupron shot, and I have been waiting the last week to see if giardia has returned or not. I am so unsure. I might get tested tomorrow, just to see if it has in fact cleared my system.

Waiting another month is an option...I just kind of want to get it over with, though. This in limbo stuff is really difficult.

Bill Front

Oh, and Thursday is the day.

First shot, complete $19,545 payment.

I feel unprepared, to say the least. Most of all for the emotional journey I am about to embark on.

I am worried about the parasite, and if it is fullly gone from our family.

I am praying tonight that it is, because I will not want to start if there is a chance I still have it.

I think I should know in a few days if I was reinfected by Bryce. Praying, praying, praying that I do not have it anymore!

A realization

I realized something today. It's not pretty.

I have been afraid to ask God for a baby, because I feel like if He says No, I will have less reason to be mad since I never asked in the first place.

Sounds confusing, huh?

My reasoning is that the less I rely on God, the less bitter I will be if this doesn't work.

I know, I know, that I need to give this over.

It is just hard because I do not want bitterness to creep in like last time.

Fearless

I just started reading the book Fearless by Max Lucado, and I think I really am going to like it.

My favorite line from this week is that Fear corrodes our perception of God's Goodness.

I know God has been with me during this journey. I feel His presence so much more than I did when trying to get pregnant last time.

It just doesn't help with the worry, though. That still creeps in often.

Will I get pregnant?
What will we do if I don't?
Will that really be the end of our "baby" years?

Even that line of thinking is hard for me to comprehend.

Tonight, I need to hitch my star to God's goodness and remember HE has a plan in all of this.

Glutton

I am a glutton for punishment.

Really, I am.

Otherwise, there would be no need for me to purposely seek out the facebook pages of my friends that have just had babies.

The road seems so long from where I currently am to (hopefully) the end result.

Random Ramblings

It is getting hard not to be consumed with all of this. The fear of it not working is tangible these days.

Although we prepared for two cycles with a partial money back guarantee, it is still my biggest desire to achieve pregnancy. At the end of this, there is always a baby. It is never about the money back.

I am trying hard to have a heart of faith and hope, without fear. But it is hard. And I am a work in progress.

In regards to money, God has shown his provision again and again. I am thrilled that God has helped us raise this much money. I look back and still have no idea how that happened. All I can say is that it is a God thing, for sure.

*****************

One of the most confusing things for me this week is drug pricing. If I use my insurance (which covers about half of the cost of my meds), the price for each drug is higher. So, for example, the drug Menopur is around $70 a vial. I need 28 vials. When I called to order it, the price per vial changed to $93. Apparently, each drug has a contract price that is different with each pharmacy. So every pharmacy I ask will have a different price per vial.

Here is the really hard and confusing part when trying to plan how much to save for meds. The pharmacies will not give you the contracted price unless you physically come in and run a trial insurance approval. It is making it quite difficult to do comparison shopping, that is for sure.

*************************

I work with babygear. I love my job. I love seeing my customer's new babies. In times like these, I have a hard time with my job.

I am constantly reminded of the newness of life, how cute and cuddly babies are, and whether or not we will ever have another one.

Don't get me wrong. I am so grateful I already have two kids. They are the joy of my life, and if we never have another, they are more than enough.

We just have to go through IVF to know. And if God answers with a no- we are not meant to have another baby- at the end of it all I have to be okay with the two I have. I love them to the moon and back and am so appreciative I have two healthy little boys that are the center of my world. And they are enough. More than enough.

Ok, I am now rambling. Good think no one actually reads this! Ha!

Providence, Part Two

My goal going into this was to incur as little debt as possible.

This last month, I have really prayed that God would help with this, because we were about $5000 short of our $18,000 goal.

All the sudden, and completely unexpectedly, today I received a check for $3,800. Which means, for this cycle, I will need to come up with around $3000 more out of pocket to be free anc clear.

I can attribute this to none other than God's provision.

I call Monday to start Birth Control Pills, and I can hardly believe the time is here to start this journey!