Impulsive

I don't post here often, but there is something that has been nagging me lately and I just have to get it out.


After all, I don't know who has googled oligohydramnios and found themselves here:-).


I was on my way to a local consignment shop today, and of course I was on the phone.


'Cause I just have to talk while in the car, don't you?


My mom was telling me about a blog she stumbled upon. Same circumstance as ours- went in for an ultrasound at 20 weeks and found out they had very low fluid. They were given the same odds- between 1-10% chance of survival.


They opted to induce and deliver.


***

I preface this by saying (for those of you that don't know me) that I was raised Pro-Life.


As in, really Pro-Life.


Beat-down-people's-doors-and-give-them-pamphlets-with-pictures-of-babies-in-utero Pro-Life.

***


I caution to put this out there, because it is hard to admit.


In the very, very dark days following Tessa's diagnosis, all I wanted to do was induce and deliver her.


Thinking of spending 20+ weeks, squishing her in my womb, followed by a long and painful delivery for a baby that would pass away struggling for breath.


It was too overwhelming to think about.


I couldn't wrap my mind around how I was going to survive another day, never mind another week or another five months.


It seemed easier to just "get the worst part over with", so I could start the process of healing.


Those first few days, I turned inducing over and over in my mind. Talked to Josh about it. Prayed a lot.


And I just couldn't do it.


I couldn't be responsible for determining her last heart beat.


Slowly, the Lord started working on my heart.


Helped me see the beauty in my time with her.


Every kick, every nuance, every hiccup, every heartbeat was cherished.

I wanted her to know and feel how great my love for her was. Even if it was as simple as pushing her feet as she kicked me.

Having the boys talk to her, or kiss my belly.


A few days before she was born, I remember sitting with Josh and my mom in the hospital room. Crying, I apologized for spending our entire summer waiting and shuffling the boys constantly with the great possibility it could be for nothing.


Both of them agreed- it was not for nothing. We all wanted to give her the best shot at life, and that included being in the hospital for her birth.


Regardless of the outcome, we had to do everything we could.


"Do what you can, forget the rest", as my dad always said.


I am still so thankful I have such a sacrificial family. I don't know how I would have done it without them.


I digress.


Anyway, Josh and I didn't have much on the schedule today, so I went wandering.


My account had a credit of $20, and I enjoyed sorting through each kid's size and picking out a few things for fall.


Right next to the checkout register, there is a beautiful rack of Matilda Jane clothing.


All sorts of skirts with ruffles, dresses with perfect buttons and big bows coordinated with the most breathtaking mix of fabrics.


Sitting right in the front was a gorgeous peasant top with a pink sash.


12 months, the size Tessa will wear in the fall.


I looked it over and drooled a little bit eyed the price.


$29.99


Couple things:
1) I have been talking to friends lately about how Matilda Jane has some really cute dresses, but that they were expensive.
2) I am super duper thrifty. I never pay more than $5-10 per piece for clothes for my kids. Even jeans must be under this price.
3) I don't have anything in my closet that costs that much. Not even close.


So I put it back on the rack.


As my account was accessed, she informed me that (after the few things I had in my hand), I had $29.94 left as a credit.

SOLD.


Along with being thrifty, I guess I am impulsive:-)

A strange mix, huh?


Riding home, I kept thanking God that I wasn't impulsive in those days after April 19th.


Although it might seem trite to compare her life to a silly dress, I recall the pressures put on me by medical personnel to "medically terminate". How it would be the kindest and gentle thing for her, after all.


I remember the very deep place I was in- where my decisions were made on emotions and trying to make the pain stop.


I shutter at the thought, and frankly am disappointed that I even had those feelings. I look at how beautiful Tessa is and how much I love that girl, and feel guilty that I even thought about inducing her early.


Had I acted during those first few days and listened to the countless doctors who told us that there was no hope, no chance....Tessa girl would not be here.




If there is one thing I have learned from Tessa's life, it is that doctors don't know everything.


God still works miracles.

....and I am so thankful that God was able to show His power, His goodness through her life.

Psalm 40:3 He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the LORD.