Bummed

I did not think I would post anymore, but I am just so down and out tonight, I need a place to vent.

I picked up another round of birth control today. For some reason, it feels like I am taking two steps back when I start a fresh pack. I know it is necessary to manipulate the timing of the frozen transfer in January (if I have anything frozen), but is seems so counterproductive.

I think part of my frustration tonight is because I have yet to receive my "freeze" results. I am still wondering if I just went through 10 days of hell for nothing.

My friend Michelle got me this wonderful daily devotional called Streams in the Desert, and I have really enjoyed reading it daily. The lesson from yesterday was about how a vineyard owner pointed out that he only stops trimming vines when they have stopped producing fruit. Otherwise, he continues to prune them back so that they continue to grow, in the same way God does in our lives.

Man, I am sick of being pruned.

Almost a year has passed on this journey towards pregnancy, and I feel my soul slowly giving up hope. So tired financially, physically, and most of all emotionally. I have huge bruises on my arms from the IV last Sunday and everything still aches from producing so many eggs. I got another bill in the mail for that visit. I am just sick and tired of paying medical bills. I feel weary.

I have been so touched, though, by how caring people are. I guess the outpouring of love does not exist without the pain, so I would not know the support and love I currently feel without going through this dark valley. Michelle also gave me a hope and peace ornament for my tree, and even just thinking about them makes me cry. I am struggling for both tonight, to be honest.

Bye for Now.

I think this is the first time, in over five years, that I have been praying for AF to come to relieve this bloating. I look about five months pregnant.

I went out and about today and am so thankful to be feeling better in time for Thanksgiving.

This will probably be it for a while, as there will be not much new between now and January:-) Praying for a decent freeze in the meantime.

This cycle sucks

and other ramblings.

Out of 17 embryos fertilized, only 3 are normal. That really stinks. I am not sure if these three even made it to freeze yet. I should find that out maybe later this week?

It just stinks because I really wanted to make it to transfer. I am not out of the game yet, but I can't help but feel that way. It still has to freeze, then un-thaw. Only 50-70% make the un-thaw.

I am just praying and hoping for really strong embryos. I cannot help but feel like all of this was a waste. All this sickness and pain...just to result in this.

I can finally say that, after 6 days of feeling completely rotten, I feel better today. I am eating and walking around. My house is still pretty darn dismal- thank God for a long weekend.

I am so happy that I trusted my gut and bought two packages up front. So bummed, though, that 1 of the 2 seems like a wasted cycle. Praying hard that the All-Knowing Breath of Life will allow me to make it to transfer in January, or this Christmas is going to be really difficult.

Weekend Update

The last few days have been...rough.

OHSS did not care that it was my birthday. She reared her ugly head, leaving me bedridden most of the weekend. It culminated Saturday night with violent vomiting for hours on end.

We took a trip this morning to Rochester Hills to see Dr. S- he gave me an IV of Zofran and some additional tablets to take home. He also checked my ovaries- they are both around 8.5 cms, so about the size of softballs. No wonder I have been so sick.

Thankfully, I feel much better tonight. In the last four days, I have eaten two slices of bread and a half of small McDonald's fry. Tonight, I actually ate a whole bowl of scrambled eggs and feel a lot better!

Looking forward to my "abnormal" report and how many made it to freeze, which should come Monday or Tuesday.

I'm here

Early start to the morning yesterday. We got to Rochester hills and I did not start getting nervous until I had to put the surgical hat and booties on. The egg collection itself did not take that long- around a half hour. It then took me about two hours to get the pain management under control and for my mind to wake up.

They popped 25 follicles and retrieved 18 eggs. As I was being wheeled to my car, I threw up. Back to the room I went. I then got a shot for nausea that hurt because of the placement in my leg. The car ride home was not fun--at all.

Last night, I felt pretty miserable, and kept telling Josh that I never want to do that again.

Thank God for my mom- who had the boys overnight again and came to take care of me today.

The good news is that 17 fertilized, so I am hoping that they thaw well and continue growing.

I guess if I am to get Ohss, it will come tomorrow. Hoping and praying that stays away and the pain doesn't get any worse. Who knows? Maybe this is like giving birth- you forget how painful it is OR maybe next time I won't have so many eggs so it won't be an issue.

January 14 is the first available FET...so hopefully I will make it!

Here Goes Nothing

10,000 IU of hCG tonight to trigger ovulation.

If I am going to develop OHSS, I just started the ball rolling. Let's hope it doesn't get too bad.

Hartog's new wife

is pregnant. I got the e-mail this morning.

I am thrilled for him. He completely deserves it.

Still, it is hard. At this stage of the game, I just don't want to hear about how they think it is a boy and cannot wait to pick out a crib, stroller, etc. I need to stay as far away as possible from all things baby, or I turn into a sobbing mess.

So hard to be in this delicate balance of being thrilled for other people and yet so sad for myself.