Time

The time is 10:45 am on Friday.

Let's hope for transfer!

Blessed

I am so blessed to have friends that are invested in this process with me. I expect it from my mom. But to have friends that genuinely care about the outcome enough to feel our hurts-- it is an awesome gift and a blessing.

I was brought to tears today by Cara giving us a gift certificate for dinner on Friday. Just the thought that people are praying for us and love us and feel invested in this....it is overwhelming.

I still do not have a time for Friday yet. I am hoping it will be around 11 or so, just so I can get K off to school.

On a lighter note...

Since my butt is a REALLY hard place to insert shots, it was decided that Josh would do them. With my butt being so large, you would think there wouldn't be a problem...but alas, it is tough to shoot the progesterone in oil in because it is so thick.

He is a little bit uneasy about needles and blood, so it makes for a really fun mix.

For my first shot today, we iced down the area. He swabbed it with alcohol. He could not break the skin, and the progesterone came pouring out all over my butt. I re-drew the PIO, and he gave it another go.

He tried to insert the needle, and the needle broke. We are still not sure where it is.

I think he is already scared for tomorrow:-)

Tough Week

Probably one of the toughest weeks of my life.

This blog is all about this process, and this last week has literally toppled me. Terrified me.

For one week, I have had OCD.

And I hope to never have it again for the rest of my life.

One of the biggest contributors to OCD is a lack of seratonin, which is caused by the estrogen I am on. Each and every day when I take that blue pill (three times a day), I feel more and more crazy.

My particular facet of OCD is called scrupulosity.

All my life, I have known Jesus forgives all my sins...and then this week I started having crazy thoughts about Jesus dying for all my sins....except one. The thing about OCD is that you know you are crazy and irrational, but are powerless to stop it. I spent eight hours one night looking up what people thought about the unpardonable sin, and pouring over every last detail of my life, trying to figure out if I accidentally did it at some point.

Yesterday night, I came across a book about what OCD is and how it progresses.

I was looking at the "research" because it made me feel better (obsession) and lesson the anxiety I was feeling. I would feel good for a while. I would feel the anxiety come back, and just HAD to look up more opinions on it (compulsion), and then the cycle repeated itself which in turn took a stronger grip on my mind. The more cycles I submitted to, the worse it got.

Poor Josh. I have not even been functional for the last four days. I almost forgot my mom's birthday, I sent Kayden to school without shoes, I forgot to pay a few bills....it is truly awful. That is kind of why I have been silent on this blog and elsewhere. I have been so overwhelmed, begging Josh to bring me to Pine Rest :-)

God is good, and He loves me.

And now everyone thinks I am crazy.

Yikes.

I am not sure I could ever go through this again.

This lack of seratonin is no joke.

In IVF news, I am in the home stretch. Josh gave me my first Progesterone shot this morning. I am on Amoxicillon three times a day this week, along with the dreaded estrogen.

Good to Go

Got the all clear for transfer next Friday.

For the three of you that read this, please be in prayer for me that I will graciously accept the Lord's will for this.

I am praying (PRAYING!!) that I will not have twins. I sincerely would like one child, but then again that is not up to me:-)

A good place

I can honestly say that, after the last few days of really struggling, I am at a good place.

God knows exactly what is going to happen this next Friday.

He knows what is going to happen with my health in the future.

He counts the very hairs on my head.

Having anxiety about any of this is not from God.

In the book Streams of the Desert, the one lesson I go back to over and over again relates to how I cannot force God's hand in this (or anything). I cannot force a blessing out of God. I have to surrender each and every last part of this, and see what God's plan for my life is.

Now if I could only remember how many E2 pills I have taken. I am supposed to take three a day, and I can never remember if I took two or three:-)

Hormones

My hormones are seriously messing with me. I am SO looking forward to when this is all over.

I am not sure, at this point, if we would even go forward with another cycle right away. I just feel like I need some R & R for my body/hormones.