hcg Levels

are still looking great! Praise the Lord!

The blood draw today shows them at 2694, so we are trucking right along!

Next Tuesday I will go in for my first ultrasound. Michelle said it best- the reassurance is nice...I cannot imagine going a full week without some sort of reassurance LOL.

Today I am pregnant. Today I rejoice (another Michelle quote:-)

Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow!

We have a good number:-)

676 was the beta number from today, which is strong. Hopefully not TWO strong.

I go back on Monday for another blood draw, but I got to schedule my first ultrasound today for February 8. Praying for ONE solid bean in there.

So far, so good

After an anxious afternoon of wondering WHY the doctor's office had not called me with BETA numbers, and of course thinking the worst, I finally just called them.

They had not received the results yet. With their office in Ann Arbor, and this lab here in GR, somewhere the lines got crossed.

The nurse was so kind to called the lab and report my first beta- 145. A good strong number for a singleton pregnancy.

We are thrilled!

I go back on Thursday for the second number, but I am happy that I made it through the "first round" with good HCG levels!

I cheated

The list of things that could potentially go wrong read like a grocery list:

-chemical pregnancy
-miscarriage
-blighted ovum
-no heartbeat
-fetal defect
-stillborn baby

But TODAY, I rejoice! Praising God that right now I am pregnant. Wow, that feels so wonderful to write!

Almost unbelievable.


Monday is my first blood draw, so I will get a better picture of what is going on once I get beta/hCG numbers.


Oh, and I am officially addicted to the stick. I just cannot stop thanking God for this precious gift.

The big test

The big pregnancy test is coming up Friday.

I am not sure if I am ready for it or not.

I have a blood draw on Monday to see what my HCG levels are, so that should give a clear indication as well.

For now, I remain sore in the butt:-) I normally ice up the area before the PIO shot goes in, but Josh accidentally shot me outside the iced area yesterday. Yikes! That hurts.

Well...

I don't feel pregnant, if that counts.

I keep searching for symptoms, wondering if I can figure it out.

Am I more tired than normal?
What was that twinge in my belly?
Are my boobs more sore than they were before?

It is such a crap shoot.

But, I don't feel pregnant.

Here is hoping I am wrong.

I made it to Transfer! YAY!

Praise God! Praise God!

I made it to transfer. For that, I am thankful.

We left the house at 7:45 am, and knew there was a slight possibility that we could get a call on the way there that our embies had not made it.

Around 9:15, my phone rang. I think both of our hearts stopped. Thankfully, it was just Josh's sister calling to tell us she was praying for us.

We arrived at 10:15, with a full bladder. Instructions were for 3 glasses of water, and I was feeling it.

The office was so busy, as this was the first procedure week since before Christmas. We waited over an hour to even get back into a room. I was gritting my teeth because I had to go to the bathroom so bad.

They had me drink more water to take Valium and Motrin, did some preliminary paperwork, drew blood, the nurses made a few jokes about how tall Josh is and had to get the "special big man gown and mask".

I am so thankful Dr. Shamma came right away to tell me that I was next.

They led me into the procedure room and checked to make sure my bladder was full enough through ultrasound.

"Yes, you have a great bladder" the nurse said. I will get Dr. Shamma.

The embryologist then came in to verify our embryos matched the ones being inserted into the catheter. I got to see our beautiful little embies for the first time:

The picture on the right is when they actually insert them into the uterus.

The top one is a hatching blast, which is further developed than the bottom one. I think that is called a expanding blast.

All in all, it was very quick. The very worst part of all of it was trying NOT to go to the bathroom. I was shaking because they were pressing on my bladder from all sides.

Then I had to lay for five minutes on the table before using the restroom.

A half hour of downtime is required before being sent home. I was just overjoyed the entire time that I actually made it to transfer. I sent the picture of the embies to my mom, who just started bawling.

Not that this means we will get a positive pregnancy, but I am happy to have the chance.

I got home to a bunch of goodies from Michelle and Nat, who were together praying through the course of this day. I, of course, burst into tears again at how gracious God is for giving me such great friends.

I feel at peace right now. I love the hope I have; it feels good. God is good.

Time

The time is 10:45 am on Friday.

Let's hope for transfer!

Blessed

I am so blessed to have friends that are invested in this process with me. I expect it from my mom. But to have friends that genuinely care about the outcome enough to feel our hurts-- it is an awesome gift and a blessing.

I was brought to tears today by Cara giving us a gift certificate for dinner on Friday. Just the thought that people are praying for us and love us and feel invested in this....it is overwhelming.

I still do not have a time for Friday yet. I am hoping it will be around 11 or so, just so I can get K off to school.

On a lighter note...

Since my butt is a REALLY hard place to insert shots, it was decided that Josh would do them. With my butt being so large, you would think there wouldn't be a problem...but alas, it is tough to shoot the progesterone in oil in because it is so thick.

He is a little bit uneasy about needles and blood, so it makes for a really fun mix.

For my first shot today, we iced down the area. He swabbed it with alcohol. He could not break the skin, and the progesterone came pouring out all over my butt. I re-drew the PIO, and he gave it another go.

He tried to insert the needle, and the needle broke. We are still not sure where it is.

I think he is already scared for tomorrow:-)

Tough Week

Probably one of the toughest weeks of my life.

This blog is all about this process, and this last week has literally toppled me. Terrified me.

For one week, I have had OCD.

And I hope to never have it again for the rest of my life.

One of the biggest contributors to OCD is a lack of seratonin, which is caused by the estrogen I am on. Each and every day when I take that blue pill (three times a day), I feel more and more crazy.

My particular facet of OCD is called scrupulosity.

All my life, I have known Jesus forgives all my sins...and then this week I started having crazy thoughts about Jesus dying for all my sins....except one. The thing about OCD is that you know you are crazy and irrational, but are powerless to stop it. I spent eight hours one night looking up what people thought about the unpardonable sin, and pouring over every last detail of my life, trying to figure out if I accidentally did it at some point.

Yesterday night, I came across a book about what OCD is and how it progresses.

I was looking at the "research" because it made me feel better (obsession) and lesson the anxiety I was feeling. I would feel good for a while. I would feel the anxiety come back, and just HAD to look up more opinions on it (compulsion), and then the cycle repeated itself which in turn took a stronger grip on my mind. The more cycles I submitted to, the worse it got.

Poor Josh. I have not even been functional for the last four days. I almost forgot my mom's birthday, I sent Kayden to school without shoes, I forgot to pay a few bills....it is truly awful. That is kind of why I have been silent on this blog and elsewhere. I have been so overwhelmed, begging Josh to bring me to Pine Rest :-)

God is good, and He loves me.

And now everyone thinks I am crazy.

Yikes.

I am not sure I could ever go through this again.

This lack of seratonin is no joke.

In IVF news, I am in the home stretch. Josh gave me my first Progesterone shot this morning. I am on Amoxicillon three times a day this week, along with the dreaded estrogen.

Good to Go

Got the all clear for transfer next Friday.

For the three of you that read this, please be in prayer for me that I will graciously accept the Lord's will for this.

I am praying (PRAYING!!) that I will not have twins. I sincerely would like one child, but then again that is not up to me:-)

A good place

I can honestly say that, after the last few days of really struggling, I am at a good place.

God knows exactly what is going to happen this next Friday.

He knows what is going to happen with my health in the future.

He counts the very hairs on my head.

Having anxiety about any of this is not from God.

In the book Streams of the Desert, the one lesson I go back to over and over again relates to how I cannot force God's hand in this (or anything). I cannot force a blessing out of God. I have to surrender each and every last part of this, and see what God's plan for my life is.

Now if I could only remember how many E2 pills I have taken. I am supposed to take three a day, and I can never remember if I took two or three:-)

Hormones

My hormones are seriously messing with me. I am SO looking forward to when this is all over.

I am not sure, at this point, if we would even go forward with another cycle right away. I just feel like I need some R & R for my body/hormones.